"Daddy, My
Butt's Making Noise!"
Forget all of your
pathetic ghost stories... I have a real
horror story to share. Gather 'round...
First, a little background info. My kids
went trick-or-treating earlier today, while
I was at work. My daughter, after getting
home, snuck into the treat bag, and... well,
let's say she overindulged just a tad. So,
when I got home, my wife informed me that
she had a tummy ache, and I should keep an
eye on her just in case she had a fecal
explosion. (I should also point out that my
daughter has sensory conflict problems,
meaning her brain doesn't always register
certain feelings, like when she "has to
go".)
So, after my wife went to work, I was
getting my son ready for bed, and noticed he
had a "poopy". Okay, no big deal... he
didn't eat much candy, so it was just the
normal butt pebbles. Just as I get him on
the changing table, my daughter runs in and
wails, "Daddy, my butt's making noise!" Then
she starts doing a little dance, and squirm,
and I knew what it meant: green apple
splatters were about to commence. Horrors!
Instantly, I shift into hyper-drive with my
son. I can still make it, I thought.
I whip off the front of his diaper... and
fail to realize that he was hanging over the
edge of the table, causing the diaper to
fall on the ground, and scattering little
Sugar Babies on the floor. Gaah! I gather
the stinky pebbles, finish cleaning him, and
jam a new pullup on him, all the while my
daughter kept repeating with increasing
franticness and animation, "My butt's making
noise!" Finally I put my son down, and I
raced to avert the imminent catastrophe...
The next few minutes happened in
super-slow motion. As I raced towards her to
bring her to the bathroom, feeling like I
was running towards her with my feet in
shackles, her dancing and squirming suddenly
stopped, and I heard a squishing noise, as
my daughter, o-faced, said "UH-OH!" as a
dark stain grew down the tights on her leg.
Defeat.
The cleanup would rival Chernobyl or Love
Canal in scope, messiness, and human
suffering.
Halloween sucks.